The need for sleep

3 hours of sleep a night, in two 1 and a half hour batches, is simply not enough.

I can only hope that tonight is at least a smidge better. Fingers crossed

Lovely afternoon

I just had the loveliest afternoon with my Roller Derby girls.

A bit of yoga, homemade pizza, strawberries, good music and good conversation.

Bruis'em and Toxic rock. Love you, ladies

Presenting my nerves

So two days ago, I gave my first academic presentation of this PhD and I think it was safe to say that I was pretty terrified. I am a very confident public speaker and performer and knew that I had that bit covered just fine. The truly frightening element was presenting in front of other PhD and MA students from my home institution and a similar department from a nearby university, and more to the point the academic members of staff from both institutions. I struggle with anxiety about my work not being good enough to give to my supervisor, so putting it out on display for all these people I respect was almost too much.

Don't tell anyone, but there were points in the day that I seriously thought about feigning illness and wussing out. It really did not help that I was the only first year PhD student presenting - all the others were second or third years with experience to reflect on. The brief for the day was methodology - in the main the other presenters focussed on method and the challenges of those methods. Because I am taking a slightly different approach, my paper was written from a more meta-methodological angle, and so as the day went on I became more and more anxious that my paper was pitched all wrong and that as well as being inadequate in itself, I was also going to be talking to them about completely the wrong thing.

The four coffees probably did not help with keeping perspective.

But now I am on the other side of the whole process. And from here it looks very different indeed. I can honestly say that I presented well. As a performance of 'presenting a paper', I carried it off. The content of the paper, I am still not sure about and in reading it I realised that it sounded more contentious than I really intended. But I think the structure held together and I presented a coherent argument. Since I am so ealy in the process of developing my ideas, I think this is ok.

But the real learning point for me has been about the process, eespecially the emotional element of the whole thing. I have always struggled with needing people's approval (I don't think that is particularly unusual). I could feel the audience getting away from me at points as they disagreed with what I was saying and had a strong conflict between running out of the room or stopping to appease them. But I didn't. I kept on with my presentation and maintained my authority as presenter. I accepted the questions put to me at the end calmly and was able to respond without becoming defensive. Now my commenter was very generous and gentle and in no way attacking, but I know that previously when I have been that anxious it has been hard to hear such generosity and not simply be automatically defensive.

So on reflection, the day feels like a triumph. Not for the quality of the paper, but for the learning about giving a paper at a conference. I learned that I can say things that others might find contentious and I can stand by them. I also learned that I can be much braver than I thought. And I learned a bit more about the practicalities of paper giving. None of which are ground breaking revelations in the grand scheme of things, but they feel pretty important for me and right now I feel really good about them. And I think that is more than enough to get from the day.

On a related note, I really must give huge thanks to my good friend AB. Her honest constructive feedback after the session was very much appreciated. I think all nervous newbie paper-givers could do with a feedback goddess such as her!

The passing of a gentleman

Yesterday was the funeral of my partner's grandfather. I can't claim to have known him that well - he and I never quite figured out how to talk to each other and only really related through our love of a good game of scrabble. But his presence suffused the whole family. He was an almost constant presence at the family Saturday afternoon tea and whilst he was not always able to join in the conversation (or more likely often chose not to hear!), his very presence was the anchor of the whole family. He was a generous, thoughtful, caring man, who brought compassion, humour, a staunch heart and a seriously strong work ethic to everything he did. You can see his influence rippling through his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Their lovely natures are a direct tribute to him and his beloved wife.

So now I am sitting in a bar, waiting for my partner to return from delivering a training session today, and raising a glass in his honour. I won't claim that his passing marks the last of the true gentlemen - that would be both cliched and less than he deserved. But he is so very missed, even by those of us who only had the privilege of knowing him for a very short time. He was such a very special person.

One of the reasons psychology and I don't get on

Since I am feeling blogularly challenged today, I point you to this story:

Therapists offer gay 'treatment'

and this fantastically Twisty response:

UK shrinks suffer case of double barbaria

And thus my obstreperal lobe is somewhat soothed.

Btw the ONLY reason I ever need therapy now is because there are people out there who think shit like this is anything other than hideous. When I was in straight relationships, I needed permanent therapy but allegedly was deluded about that need. Go figure.

IBTP

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day here in the UK. So today is a pretty crappy day for me and for anyone else whose Mum has died. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for everyone celebrating their Mum and I am absolutely of the opinion that you should make the most of every moment you have with her. But for me, Mother's Day just feels like an extended period of emphasising that my Mum is no longer alive. And it hurts.

So should anyone real this post, this is a big hug for anyone else who's in a similar position and is feeling hurt and lost today. This hug is especially for Jade Goody's two boys. My heart breaks for them.

Butt ache

Having not blogged since the original two whole months ago, I thought I would share a new obsession and possibly tmi. So in my department, I have two friends who are dedicated Roller Derbyers, who should always be referred to by their RD names: Toxic Pink Stuff and Bruisin' Banshee. TPS is so obsessed with RD that she is also basing her PhD on the phenomenon (sport seems such a limited word for the amazingness of RD).

Now obviously for obsessed peeps, they were keen to share the joy and preached, cajoled and bullied their way into promises to join from a number of the women in the department. This Sunday, I succumbed and ventured out to training. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. Bear in mind that I have not been on roller skates for at least 24 years (which TPS helpfully reminded me is her age - grrr!) and you will have some idea of how daunting a prospect it is to walk into a large hall with about 20 women hurtling round at speed. They were all very friendly, although their gum-shield smiles were perhaps not quite as reassuring as on might have hoped.

So I strapped myself in to the helmet, wrist pads, elbow pads, knee pads and rented skates and gingerly rolled out onto the floor. and you know what? I wasn't that bad. I couldn't keep up with everyone else, of course, but I was skating fairly passably. Nuclear Miss-ile was assigned to teach me how to skate safely and more importantly, how to fall safely, whilst everyone else practised their blocking. I learned a one knee fall, sucked at the two knee fall, rocked the baseball slide, and gradually got the hang of a decent plough.

My confidence was growing, my speed was picking up and I think it's fair to say I was starting to feel a little cocky. Which of course was the point at which I misjudge my balance, my feet flew up in front of me and I landed unceremoniously on my coccyx. now I thought I had more than enough padding on my butt to take care of such a fall, but oh my sweet ***********, I could never have enough padding to deal with that fall. You know how when you injure yourself and the world swims away, you feel sick, want to cry, and snap at anyone who talks to you? Just that deep shock and adrenalie dump before the pain finally sets in. So sorry to NM and Rosewhip if I was in the least bit rude, but oi! the shock and pain.

Luckily BB was driving us home and I was able to lean gingerly across the backseat of the car with my poor bruised tush carefully protected. I woke up the next morning with the tenderest b-hind, whiplash and incredibly sore thighs. And you know what? I can't wait to go back. I don't care that I am still incredibly bruised. I want to be as confident and competent as the women on this Roller Derby team. I want to lose some of that fear of falling. I want to be fearsome and fearless. I want the adrenaline and the knowledge that the bruises I have have been well earned.

Roll on Sunday.... :)